| now...golden state |
[24 Sep 2008|02:45am] |
these legs fail me now
and i just don't know what to say.
for some reason i just can't keep up.
it's frustrating because i haven't felt free in a while.
tied to the ground,
tied to my habits,
and tied my own solitude.
it's not like i've built these boundaries for a reason.
it's not like i want them
i've been locked in my own thoughts for far too long.
holding my tongue for far too long.
my voice is always taken in vain, it seems so immature.
it never seems valid.
my words seem to come out all wrong and flimsy.
i get called out every single time.
i get questioned every single time.
i want to find a place to set my feet where my words are heard.
i want to love something again.
i want a golden state...mentally and physically.
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| HALLUCINATIONS: GIVEN SAVAGES |
[24 Aug 2008|08:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Bon Iver or Louis Armstrong |
] |
It bothers me how pathetic I've sounded as late. Hell I look pathetic writing this now. As cliché as it sounds, every romantic situation I come across lately doesn’t match moments spent by your side. I hate how bad I feel about sending you messages and getting updated on how you are. I hate bothering people when they don’t want to be bothered. Simple, I can’t help it. Even on the darkest days, you linger on my mind.
.
I think the attractions looms with the level of maturity present. I have never met someone that was “interested in me” (or seemed to be) and had her head on her shoulders.
You are foreign, something I’ve never experience, and seem to be something I’ve always wish to be in my life at this point. You were new. Most of all you were honest, which is something haven’t come across in a while.
Maybe it was just a simple kiss that hooked me. I do remember the first kiss. I looked away at some billboard I was telling a story about and I look back at you. Cheap red wine was still fresh on my breath as you moved in close to my body. It never felt so necessary and natural. With the dim lights and floating leaves around us, our lips embraced one another. I never felt so sure about something so new before.
I should have walked down that street with you. I should a have never left your side. God, it’s such a disappointment now…everything that comes my way who is interested me….I just seem to be waiting it out. Somehow I feel at fault for this. It never leaves my mind. It’s that feeling of uncertainty haunting my mind. It’s that old saying; you always want what you can’t have.
It’s quite obvious I’m the fool who took something to heart that wasn’t even there.
We are both savages in our current situation. Either side requires us to be.
With the time the burning in my mind will fade and I’ll wonder why I invested so much time into it. But, I don’t regret these thoughts covering my mind.
For the time being they remain comforting.
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| HEY |
[26 Jul 2008|05:28pm] |
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GET A GRIP.
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| investments |
[07 May 2008|01:59am] |
i'm going to be moving on. everything seems to be like a hallow dream.
i suppose i invest too much thought into things. but, old habits die hard.
and now, while it's quiet and shadows dance across my wall my stomach has finally hit the bottom.
my eyes are sore with every smile, my legs grow tired with every step, and my ears ring with the left overs of friendships.
i'll tell you one thing...my heart is still here.
but, i ask you, where the hell am i? what happened and when did this occur?
i'm not there.
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[19 Feb 2008|05:06pm] |
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i'm used to my horrible luck with women.
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| update |
[08 Feb 2008|05:34pm] |
i have a hold on things
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| the wool is pulled |
[31 Jan 2008|11:21am] |
deceiver, plain and fucking simple.
you better get your head on straight....or i'm walking out that door.
i'm so god damn sick of mind games.
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[06 Nov 2007|02:56pm] |
hi, i've been updating in a real journal.
life is mediocre at best.
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| you are my ocean, harsh and unexpected. |
[18 Oct 2007|06:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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collected |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Stars of the Lid |
] |
thats the beautiful thing about life: it changes so god damn fast.
you were here and now your gone...or something. i miss you and my heart is weak. but, you are happy.
stay that way....i like it when you smile.
the shifting of the ocean is everchanging.
just like life.
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[18 Oct 2007|06:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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collected |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Stars of the Lid |
] |
i don't think i have moved an inch. an inch from the position i was at a year ago. i'm almost 20 with very little insight to how things actually work. i never regret meeting you and i'm very happy to have grown with you. but, while the years take another breath from my body, you are at the door. in and out like a season.
you claim it's nothing i did...but, i'm sure there had to be something to cause this drastic change in you. i'm not blaming you, thats not my place. all i'm saying is i wish we would have met in a different place or a different time. maybe things would have been different then. it's guaranteed that we'd be happy.
so, i'll take you in stride. i'll wrap you up and leave you to the cold. i care for you greatly and at times i wish that i never had started. because i miss you and my heart is weak. above all of that i'm loosing a girl that has renewed my faith in a lot of things and changed my whole perspective on the world. you are so god damn amazing that its hard for me to let go.
everything fades with time. maybe the memory of you will and maybe it won't. that's whats funny about the world......you never know whats going to happen.
the shifting of the ocean is everchanging.
just like life.
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[14 Oct 2007|05:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bitchy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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RH |
] |
you don't need me.
and that simply kills me.
"I don't want to be your friend
I just want to be your lover
No matter how it ends
No matter how it starts
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Fall off the table,
Get swept under
Denial, denial
The infrastructure will collapse
Voltage spikes
Throw your keys in the bowl
Kiss your husband goodnight
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Fall off the table,
And get swept under
Denial, denial
Denial, denial
Your ears should be burning
Denial, denial
Your ears should be burning
Denial, denial"
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[20 Aug 2007|08:41am] |
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and this is the last time i get CONFUSED and COMPROMISE MY EMOTIONS.
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[13 Aug 2007|11:25am] |
i need to find an apartment ASAP.
i'm fucking stressed.
kill me, please?
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[07 Aug 2007|10:20pm] |
when the moon is down....
every worry fades from my mind.
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[22 Jul 2007|02:47pm] |
i doubt every word someone says to me is of significant meaning anymore.
thanks for that.
i figure its so much better to be single.
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[29 Jun 2007|03:31pm] |
i love you Ryan Adams.
"It takes two when it use to take only one."
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| switching waters. |
[27 Jun 2007|10:56pm] |
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I have tested the waters and it’s not for me. I realize now that it’s too late how much you actually did care for me. It took getting treated like I treated you. Karma at its finest.
This city is a dead end now. The only avenue I had has run dry. I’ve given myself to the ocean…doomed myself to drift to anyone with open hands or an open heart. Until that dock opens up I will not begin to forget you and what I’ve tossed aside.
God, what a fool I have become. The only way back to where I came from is to back track. Make no mistake, I know my roots and I will return to myself soon. I can feel it already happening.
Though I’m thankful to every experience that has happened to me here I still end up wanting to erase it all and return to where I was a year ago. I was happy.
You never realize how happy you were until miles divide you.
This is the beginning of change. It’s only up hill from here. You are going to inspire me, darling. Even though you are not mine, you are my god.
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[25 Jun 2007|08:00pm] |
i said what i had to say and you won't have to worry about it anymore.
as for that song, maybe it was a sign. upon listening to it in Utah, i began tp draw many similarities. and i realize now it just didn't work out.
i'm over it.
honestly, i'm glad you're happier now.
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[24 Jun 2007|11:43am] |
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"sometimes you end up feeling like driftwood...no home, no destination..."
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[20 Jun 2007|02:34pm] |
I'm so happy you called
I really needed a break
From all the people I see
All the people I spend time with
Where did my summer go
The week that was canceled
Was my only chance
To get out of this place
So how have you been
I heard about your problem
At the end of this road
A common solution
My favourite thing about you
Please don't get me wrong
How natural it feels
Five Minutes without talking
Five Minutes without talking
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